Saturday, September 26, 2009

It has become increasingly difficult to keep track of all of the positions I have promised to people. I may even have promised the same position to multiple people. Oh well, it's their fault for trusting me. I will now attempt, for the first time, to list the secretaries, minister, regulatory chiefs, ambassadors, and other official, high-paying positions I am doling out to my supporters.

If I missed someone, let me know and I will update the organizational chart. Include some info about why you are qualified for such a position. If you want a position, also let me know. Feel free to make up your own title. But hurry up or someone else will get it.

Also, someone should think of an appropriate position for charles the small.

President: MSMediacritic

It should be pointed out that I have virtual multiple personality disorder, or VMPD. Not the first president who is mentally ill (Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton just to name a few). I am, however, the first with an internet psychological disorder.

Vice President: Sauron

Sauron is one of MSMediacritic's "extra" personalities. He is also evil, which makes him qualified to be VP. Although he has considered assassinating MSMediacritic and taking the top job for himself, he realized that they would not work out well. Other traits of Sauron that qualify him for this position including sweating profusely on MSMediacritics keyboard and drooling on his mouse (hey, compare those qualifications to Joe Biden).


Secretary of State: Bebes_Boobs_Destroy

Although clearly intellectually unqualified for this position, Bebes has made it clear that she intends to wield the big stick of American diplomacy with vigor and zeal. Oddly, she seems to speak often of the big stick and what she intends to do with it. If I did not know better, I might conclude that she had things in mind other than diplomacy. Given our Secretary of Offense, I expect that she will have little to do other than arrange surrender terms, negotiate basing agreements, and deliver various threats.

Secretary of Offense: Howco

Who else? We are now at war with approximately 53 countries. They don't have a chance. I also think we are fighting the cylons, but I'm not sure if we won that yet or not. Howco went off to interrogate a group of #6's he had captured and hasn't been seen since.

Secretary of Defense: ???

Secretary of the Navy: Birkenstock Cowboy

Given his propensity to be underwater, some would say that this appointment is potentially disastrous for those of our ships that we want to keep floating. In his defense, Birkenstock Cowboy has promised that he will try not to sink any more ships than he must. Furthermore, he has stated that it is his intention to recruit various sea monsters to supplement the Navy. These sea monsters will be compensated solely with dolphin-free tuna, so expect to see him at the local Costco buying cans of tuna in bulk.

Secretary of the Treasury: ChiDude (I think)



Czar Czar Gabor: Gus

Clearly, Gus is not qualified for any position that requires him to manage the activities of any organization, with the possible exception of a small group of deformed rodents. However, since he donated heavily to my campaign fund and managed to launder money through several Swiss bank accounts, I have no choice but to give him something to do.

Gus's first job will be to extract confessions from the moles that infested my yard and ensure that they never come within five miles of the White House as a condition of their probation.

Czar of Vodka: TheOsprey

More could be said about his qualifications for this post, but we have not been able to find him since we gave him a palette full of product to test for quality control. He did call in on his cell phone once. After laughing uncontrollably for 90 seconds, he said something about having a glate trime wid all of da booze... then he drooled on his cell phone and it shorted out.

Czar of Humor: Ginn

Henceforth, all jokes, humorous anecdotes, riddles, and sitcom scripts must be approved by Ginn's office before any laughter can be issued. Unauthorized mirth is subject to severe penalties, up to and including watching "Ishtar" 30 times in a row. Ginn has announced that, as her first act, all knock-knock jokes will be banned with violators being forced to eat Tony's frozen pizza (uncooked) for three months. Furthermore, anyone telling blonde jokes will be subject to something really bad which she hasn't decided yet. If I were you, I wouldn't want to find out either. Form H-100 must be filled out for all jokes.

Regulatory Chiefs

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (a chain of convenience stores): Ghost of Sparta (formerly known as Paranoid Pyro)

After promising a 20% discount (minimum) for everyone who contributes to my re-election fund, it was obvious he was the right one for the job. And he asks that you refer to all donations as "contributions", rather than "bribes".

SEC: ??

FCC: Adam the Madman

Many have questioned this appointment, seeing as he is a raving lunatic and has been known to soil himself with a hideous grin on his face. It should be noted, however, that he has never stated that he is not qualified to perform these duties. Furthermore, if he just sits quietly in the corner that will probably be fine with everyone (except the janitors who have to clean up the place at night).


Narnia: Aloha Girl

A truly inspired selection. Please note that her residency is in "Iowa" while in the country. Seeing as she frequently talks to herself, it will not be difficult for her to talk to the animals, too.

Sun: ??

I know I gave out this position to someone who I thought should be "bright"

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